Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
