Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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