why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
