can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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