just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
