you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
