I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
