o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
