how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
