I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
