The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
