Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
