I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
