She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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