I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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