After last night, I could never be a politician.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
