i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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