I haven't been this sober since birth.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
