I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
