Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
