also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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