I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
