I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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