I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
