my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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