omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
