u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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