Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
