I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's never too late to be topless.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
