I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
