I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
