this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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