My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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