fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
