So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
