dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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