I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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