im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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