My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
