yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
