I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
