I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
