everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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