The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
