u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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