so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
