Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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