I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
