Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize