If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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