i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
