I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
