I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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