i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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