tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
