Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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