Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
