New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He felt like a one man threesome
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
