I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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